tell me how to stay calm

The devil in the details

Like the thought of knowing it is Grandpa

Not the neighbors not a trusted friend but Grandpa

It is the knowing, she said

It is the seeing and having to live with it

It would have been easier numb!

She cried,

Clutched at the hems of her dress

Bit her teeth

Let them flow

Tears, hot

No need to touch to know

Calm down, he urged

How? She asked.

Just tell me how to go to grand ma and not hate her,

For watching

For turning her back

And pretending that you were insane

Insane people wouldn’t know where to touch

Grope

And tear

Insane people wouldn’t know to switch off the lights

To tread with care

It would hurt

I know it would,

But it would hurt a little less

If I didn’t have to remember every feel of the hands over my skin

If it wasn’t so familiar to the arms,

The arms I ran into when thunder struck

The arms that shielded me from the big bad ram

The arms that were to protect me from harm

Those arms grabbed me firm,

Those arms pulled at my perm

Those callous coarse arms

That I washed off the earth and cleaned from digging arrow roots

 Held me back and shut my mouth

Shut in fact my sanity

For nothing would have made me scream,

Nothing would have made me cry

I was stunned

I was frozen

I was scared,

Tell me how I am to stay calm

How!?

How!?

How!?

Give me answers she prodded,

I am sorry, he said.

I know you are its all you ever are!

I want to stay calm. Tell me how to do it.

I am sorry,

I failed you; he added moving a step closer

Her hand moved from hem

She stood firm

Fixed her eyes on his

She cried reminiscing the days he looked at those eyes

And the how she once loved to see them each morning

She was at war within

He was at war too

Another step

She cocked the shotgun looked even sterner

I will do it her stance said

I don’t want to do it, don’t make me her eyes said

He inched even closer

Barrel on his chest pressing at his aged sternum

I am sorry, I really am

STOP SAYING THAT! She barked

Tears and mucus spattered everywhere

She looked away from his tearing eyes

In that fraction he pulled the trigger

Bursting his chest open

He went as silent as he’d come into her room

No!

She hit at his lifeless frame

You can’t

You don’t get to do that

You still owe me answers!

She opened her mouth to taste the steel

She never knew what it tasted like

There wasn’t enough time for the thought to be registered.

To all the children going through darkness your sunshine will come, it will be okay I pray.